Can I just say that life is fucking weird as shit?

Cuz it is.

Said to me.

No one in my family stays married. So I kind of have this feel that marriage just doesn’t work out. If it does, I’d have no idea how to do it. I’ve never seen it work out. I never even knew what it was like to have married parents. So, on one hand, I feel okay about not ever getting married. But on the other hand, I get pretty sad at the thought that I’m probably never going to be asked to marry. Now I’m getting to that glorious age where friends are getting hitched up. Hearing about proposals and wedding plans and parties of celebrating love, kinda is starting to wear me down. I’m about to be a bridesmaid, for fuck’s sake. Then they’ll all start popping out babies and I’ll be left behind on that route too. I pretty much feel like the reclusive, cat lady life is going to be my future. 

I really don’t know how to handle people. 

My heart actually hurts. Like it physically hurts. I want it out.

Oh how many times have I felt this exact way..

I fucking love M.I.A.

He is completely lying and I don’t know how to handle this at all.

So I just found out just how bad the drama actually was. “That night was no longer about you.” Good thing I am the happiest goddamned drunk there ever was so I had no idea. I only slightly wondered where everyone was. I remember joking about being pissed that she didn’t say bye to me. Good thing, because if I had been regular me, well fuck. 

I’m pretty tired of things. What else is new. I dunno how things will play out but I guess it won’t matter because in probably no more than 5 years I will hardly know these people. Same story for every single person I meet. 

Maybe I am being over dramatic?

I tell him my concerns about him waiting till tomorrow to come over. Basically, I’m being a bit selfish and would rather see him for more amounts of time. 

That is me guilt tripping him, apparently. That’s how he views it. 

We hang up and he posts a facebook update about being a few minutes away from blowing his brains out. 

I am a horrible fucking person if me saying I want to see more of someone makes them want to blow their fucking brains out. 

Come home for Christmas Eve.

Pat and cat are here.

Get ignored anyway by both. 

Fuck it. Smoke weed by myself in corner of my room. 

And I was going to do my fucking laundry today but one bitch fucked up my entire day. And walking back to work in this wind put everything to full gear and I hurt everywhere.

I am so filled with hate that I feel like I’m going to throw up.

I am not a happy person. Everything I love in life falls apart or I have to leave.

I’m tired of being alone and sad. I have no idea what to do to make myself get happy. None. At all.